Mom Shame and Building Resilience

Mom Shame and Building Resilience

By Jill

My first encounter with mom shame was when I didn’t know how many words my two-year-old spoke. My pediatrician so kindly informed me that she was flagging her chart in case we come across any more speech delays. I beat myself up the whole way home, counting words in my head trying to see if I actually gave the pediatrician the correct number of words. The pediatrician planted a seed of doubt into my mind and it grew rampant. I spent the next 3 months between wellness visits writing down every single new word to have the accurate number for the next time. I was embarrassed and even felt like I failed my daughter by not expanding her vocabulary. All this effort I was putting into potty training, napping, and making sure she ate enough vegetables already left me emotionally exhausted! This new pressure of speaking a certain amount of words became overwhelming and I completely obsessed over it. I finally vented to a friend about this experience and she yelled back through the phone:

“Don’t you dare allow her to mom shame you!” 

I was in complete denial about shame. I remember physically taking the phone away from my ear and looking at it to process what my friend had just said to me. “Mom shame, is that even a thing?” I asked meekly. Here I thought I had a heavy weight of guilt but could I have been confusing shame with guilt? I started to look into the differences between the two and realized how often mothers encounter shaming. Shame can manifest from a pediatrician, a relative, a friend, lactation consultant, a stranger or from ourselves. I realized what shame was and how I had been replacing it with the word guilt. I felt shameful for not knowing how many words my 2-year-old spoke. Why didn’t I know that ridiculous number? Not only did the pediatrician mom shame me but I was also mom shaming myself!

“Shame takes maternal guilt to another level by having an overwhelming sense of responsibility, with a very high standard for what it means to be a good mother.”

Being so connected during our digital age we have the ability to share information with women across the country and the world. The job description of what a mother’s role is has evolved and has become more demanding.  It doesn’t matter if mothers are bringing-home-the-bacon or staying-at-home, neither can escape maternal guilt. However, no mother should accept the burden of shame. Researcher, Anna Rotkirch argues that maternal guilt is an evolutionary trait to ensure that mothers take care of their children to the best of their abilities.  Shame takes maternal guilt to another level by having an overwhelming sense of responsibility, with a very high standard for what it means to be a good mother. When we encounter mom shame, we are essentially saying to ourselves that “I am a bad mother and therefore I am bad”. This kind of inner narrative creates an endless cycle of hopelessness. Setting ourselves up for such a high expectation leaves us feeling inadequate, depleted, and guilty. Sound familiar?

Now, what can we do about it? Let’s start with our own inner narrative. I was absolutely beating myself up over the lack of new words my daughter was supposed to know. My inner voice was playing on repeat to remind myself that I was a bad mother for not knowing all that information about my daughter. The little voice that made me feel self-conscious, riddled me with anxiety, and dissected all social situations in my life. A great exercise in turning your inner narrative from negative to positive is to imagine if your inner voice was your best friend who said those awful things to you or about you. After everything she said, would you still be her friend? Our inner voice should be cheering us on, reminding us that we are beautiful and to be forgiving of our flaws.

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How do we change that inner voice? Practice being mindful. A 2014 study done by Colin McDonald, refers to mindfulness as the process of adapting well in the face of adversity. In other words, bouncing back from difficult situations. To practice being mindful, we must harness our resources to maintain our well being rather than being swallowed up in the emotions. Mindfulness doesn’t necessarily increase resilience against shame but practices our reflex for in-the-moment awareness. Stand back, reflect before reacting. If you’re like me, who owns a full-length mirror, easier said than done! However, every day is a new day to practice mindfulness.   

“I receive myself, as I am, without conditions, without “ought to”, without guilt, without expectations, without fear, without criticism, and without hatred. ”

— Elizabeth Freire

Research has shown that there is a strong link between increasing psychological flexibility by practicing mindfulness and compassion. Mothers are always practicing compassion on others, but often we lack self-compassion which is self-love. Elizabeth Freire, the author of The Healing Power of Self-Love, defines unconditional positive self-regard as, (repeat after me)

I receive myself, as I am, without conditions, without “ought to”, without guilt, without expectations, without fear, without criticism, and without hatred.

Exercising mindfulness and self-love will slow the shame train down and hopefully run it out of town. Being aware when you’re having a positive self-narrative and remembering that you should love yourself unconditionally needs to be practiced every day. I may not know how many words my two-year-old could say, however, I do know that she was well fed, in clean clothes and cooperated enough for me to be on time for her appointment that day. Set yourself up for greatness by setting achievable goals within realistic expectations. Confidence, in-the-moment, blossoms from mindfulness and self-love. Own your body, share your personality, celebrate your individuality and love your inner light.