I've been living with a secret. . .
I’ve been living with a secret. . .
by Asif
I’ve included a soundtrack for you to listen to as you read the blog. Hit play. Read. Enjoy.
For over 9 years, I’ve made a career out of empowering women to accept themselves as they are and to embrace their own strength, confidence and beauty through my photography. It’s a simple message: you are beautiful, you are strong; you are enough. Right now, just as you are.
I am a firm believer that you MUST learn to love YOU for who you are TODAY; NOT after you lose the weight or gain the muscle or achieve a milestone, get hitched or break away from something or someone. You must accept and love yourself for all that you’ve come to be as you’ve journeyed through your uniquely personal path thus far.
You might be thinking, “Ok, sounds great, Asif, but what does this have to do with your secret??” Well, I find it ironic that the very thing that has suppressed me and held me captive all these years is the very thing I’ve created an entire business around to help others overcome in their own lives.
“The very thing that has suppressed me and held me captive all these years is the very thing I’ve created an entire business around to help others overcome in their own lives.”
SHAME.
That’s the secret. Shame has plagued me for a long time, screaming in my head, shouting that I’ve got to always live in the shadows, in the “closet,” and avoid being seen out in the open. Shame has caused me to be embarrassed of my own life story and sweep it under the rug.
A line from the movie “Hitch” has haunted me these past several years. A character tells Dr. Love “You sell this stuff but don’t believe in it for yourself.” This has rung true for me. I’ve been selling the message of self-love and acceptance, the message that you are beautiful enough, confident enough and strong enough, right now, all the while, not embracing what that means for myself. A mentor of mine said to me recently that many of us boudoir photographers get into the industry to help others deal with the issues that we ourselves are plagued with. The issue of shame, in my opinion, doesn’t only impact women nor does it only apply to body image issues. I believe it transcends gender and lands at a much deeper place of our own human individuality.
“The issue of shame, in my opinion, doesn’t only impact women nor does it only apply to body image issues. I believe it transcends gender and lands at a much deeper place of our own human individuality.”
So what am I ashamed of? True events in my own life story have fed my shame. I have allowed my own gender, my marriage, my faith, my past, my body, my achievements and failures, my current career path, my involvement in church, my social life and how I relate to people, all to create webs of shame and guilt as they relate to each other. While I might be proud of one aspect of my life as it stands alone, I am also deeply embarrassed when I see that same aspect from a different vantage point.
I’m proud, but. . .
What do I mean? Well, here it goes. . . Let me reveal some snippets of the very life story I’ve swept under the rug that contain the paradox of both empowering pride and debilitating shame:
I am proud of my marriage.
Nicki and I have been married for 18 years and have four wonderful children together. Yet when I think of the betrayal of an affair that took place between my wife and the pastor of my church 10 years ago, I am filled with pain and shame. Further, while I was trying to forgive and we were trying to mend our marriage, I am deeply ashamed when I think of the fact that I pursued an affair of my own. The guilt of such a mess forces shame upon me and I want to sweep the beauty of our story under the rug.
I am proud to be a boudoir photographer. . .
and proud of the impact I have on my clients through what I do. I get to do be an art therapist of sorts. It empowers not only my clients but it empowers me in the process as well. While I am working it’s never a matter of me as a male photographing a female but rather me the artist, the professional, the coach, etc. working to give another soul the opportunity to recognize the light and beauty that has been long ignored or forgotten through the experience of boudoir photography with me. It is SO beautiful and amazing that I get to do this for a living. YET, I am ashamed of the fact that I am a guy doing this. A fair share of female boudoir photographers who boast an all female-staff and aim their judgments at me for being in the industry doesn’t help. When I am at church, some people react and question me with, “How is your wife ok with you doing this??” This feeling of constantly being judged makes me deeply aware of my shame and makes me want to run for cover and hide. Within the confines of my business and studio (my “closet”), I am proud and stand tall, but out in the world when I tell people what I do and they respond with judgement or derogatory comments, I feel shame pouring over me as molasses! You can see how that would make me want to run and hide in my “closet.”
I am proud of being a deeply spiritual person and a lover of Jesus. . .
yet I feel guilty mentioning that reality in the setting of my boudoir business for the same fear of being judged by others. “How could you believe in God and love Jesus while being a boudoir photographer?” I’ve felt for years that I have to keep these two worlds separate and be either a believer or a boudoir photographer but not both simultaneously. This further adds to the weight of my shame.
I am proud to be an entrepreneur.
I am proud of taking the bold risk of quitting my job to follow my dreams almost a decade ago. I am proud of paying off a massive amount of debt I incurred at the onset of purchasing my business. I am proud of having my wife be the CEO of our business and having Andrea and Jill complete the team that makes The Boudoir Studio what it is. I am proud of owning another business besides my photography studio. Yet with all this “success” or “achievement” I am ashamed by the reality of one financial crisis after another that has come our way in recent years. I am ashamed of having lost our home while being just a couple months away from the arrival of our 4th baby. I am ashamed by the fact that we didn’t know where we would live as imminent homelessness was just around the corner. I am ashamed of having my car repossessed. I am humbled for the opportunity, yet feel great shame about having to rent a one-bedroom space in the basement of a dear friend’s house and make do with my family of 6 and 2 dogs. Such a financial disaster in light of being an “entrepreneur” and “a pursuer of my dreams” only adds to my guilt, making me wonder if I am just selfish and stubborn for not simply having a job. The shame of it all keeps me from being proud of what I DID achieve and how hard I work at it everyday and, once again, makes me want to hide and sweep my story under the rug.
I am proud of my drive to achieve and succeed.
I am proud of my entrepreneurial drive to build and create something of my own and not be limited by someone else or build someone else’s dream. Yet I feel guilty as I wonder if this drive is just the little boy inside me wanting to break away from the oppression and sexual abuse of older cousins who threatened to break every bone in my body if I ever told anyone about it. I am proud of how I have disciplined my emotions and learned to love people and practice forgiveness, kindness, and generosity, yet I am so ashamed as I feel the storms of rage welling up inside me when someone bruises my ego. Another reminder of that broken little boy who has not yet healed or grown up, but still resides in the cave titled “victim.” And again, I am tempted to hide my story.
I am proud of my parents.
I love them deeply and am grateful for their love and countless sacrifices to help me pursue my dreams and become who I wanted be. Yet I feel shame when I remember the domestic violence I witnessed and experienced during my dad’s fits of rage as a child. I appreciate his countless efforts to push me along and lend a helping hand when I need it. I am proud of the example my parents set when it comes to showing love and affection and how that is the cornerstone of my own family today. Yet I remember being cut to the core by the hurtful words he spoke over me as a child that seem to now feed the accusing voice in my own head: “See, I told you, you won’t ever amount to much!” This only feeds my guilt and shame. Ahh – why would I want someone to know my story? Who would even want to hear it? Why should they? Simple solution – let’s just sweep it under the rug.
“. . .if we take responsibility for creating it in the first place, then we can tear it down and recreate something else instead.”
I’ve been a mess!
I wonder if anyone can relate? Am I the only one? Whatever the answer might be it is damn time for me to take 100% responsibility for my own life. I remember listening to Jack Canfield who said if something exists in my life it exists either because I attracted it, created it, allowed it or promoted it. He encouraged his listeners to look for areas of responsibility in their lives because if we take responsibility for creating it in the first place, then we can tear it down and recreate something else instead.
“While we put our best foot forward and attempt to make great contributions into the lives of others and society at large, we sometimes come from a place of great pain and brokenness. ”
For those who, like me, might have felt like a hot mess, embarrassed and ashamed of the reality of being who they are and the lives they live behind closed doors, I’d like to say. . . I get it! Things are not always as they seem. While we put our best foot forward and attempt to make great contributions into the lives of others and society at large, we sometimes come from a place of great pain and brokenness. To me, life can’t be lived on the “either/or” mountain. It is a dance between the duality of life. Every up has its down. Every recession has its expansion. Every blessing has its burden. Every miracle has its misery. I can’t have one without the other.
So. . .
How am I going to take responsibility? Well, for starters I know that shame causes me to hide and I am done hiding! So I take responsibility for my shame and choose to share my story. I am going to embrace the good, the bad, and the ugly as it exists today in my life and take responsibility for being the one who allowed it to enter into my life. I’ve already taken a step towards that in writing this blog. I refuse to stay in denial about it and choose to call it for what it is and take my power back.
As one of my favorite authors, Brene Brown, says, “I am going to be vulnerable, take risks, and choose emotional exposure so that I can dare greatly and love everyone and everything in my life.” I will leave you with that as food for thought.
“So I take responsibility for my shame and refuse to hide. . . I am going to be vulnerable, take risks, and choose emotional exposure so that I can dare greatly and love everyone and everything in my life.”
