Be Brave Enough to be Bad at Something New -Jill

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Seven years ago feels like another lifetime to me now. Seven years ago I had gained enough bravery to leave my longterm boyfriend, of five years, to start all over again. I wasn’t sure how it was going to work out and if it was just a matter of time before he would swoon me back into his life, but I knew that I needed my life to change. I didn’t have time to hammer out all the details, I took a deep breath and jumped. 

I met Danny when I was roughly 8 years old, he was my neighbor, whom I had a crush on, and also my first kiss. When we were finally able to actually date each other, at 19 and 22 years old, I really thought that this was it. We knew our families so well, we practically grew up together! I had this vision that this childhood crush would be the person I spent the rest of my life with. Boy was I wrong. . .

“At the end of those five long years, he gaslighted me into believing that I was worthless, unloveable, and not good enough. ”

I am not sure when our relationship turned toxic. . . did it start as soon as we were officially a couple? Or was it a few years down the road? It felt like it was something that slowly slipped into my subconscious and changed me as a person. Danny would call me every name in the book when he was mad at me.He easily drank a six-pack every night and had a slew of his own demons and problems that he remedied with alcohol. At the end of those five long years, he gaslighted me into believing that I was worthless, unloveable, and not good enough. Looking back on it now, Danny was abusive, demeaning, controlling, insecure, and insanely jealous. 

Shortly before deciding to leave for good, I was working aggressively to become a self-made photographer. I was working 3 jobs in the photo world, none of which was in an actual studio. I came across a craigslist ad for an assistant for a boudoir photography company. It was a male photographer and I had scored an interview. These kinds of jobs come around few and far between so I was ecstatic! I gushed to Danny that I had a chance to get into a studio as an assistant. I googled to find out what the heck boudoir photography was and I had to admit. . . it seemed a little risqué. But honestly, it didn’t really matter to me. I was more interested in how a photographer manipulates the studio lights around the subject more than the actual subject matter. As soon as I explained to Danny what boudoir photography was he immediately shot down the idea. “You are NOT going to that interview.” I was accused of being interested in porn. I was made to be afraid that this photographer was going to rape me. I was made to compare myself to being around naked women vs. him being around naked women. I was forbidden to work at a boudoir studio. I said okay, and that was that. It was so much easier to accept all of his conditions than to fight. Trust me I used to fight him on things I wanted to do much to my defeat.

“I was forbidden to work at a boudoir studio.”

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Then one day, my brave day happened. The day I left him. He had come home drunk from work for the 2nd week in a row. This time, I had to go out and help walk him from his co-worker's truck to our apartment door. I remember trying to sum up enough laughter for his co-worker as I was juggling a lunch cooler, tool belt, and my boyfriend from the car door. “Heh. . . drinking on the job again huh?” He smiled politely and told me he had too much sun. That night ended with me being barricaded outside of our apartment door, barefoot, and with just my car keys. I pounded on the door, I could feel our neighbors were watching me out of their peepholes. Then it clicked. . . Danny was extra drunk and extra destructive right now, why am I trying so hard to get inside of the apartment? It’s time. I hopped in my car and left. This ALWAYS made our fights worse. I knew he would get in his car and try to find me. However, that night. . . a sheriff found him first. 

“Then it clicked… Danny was extra drunk and extra destructive right now, why am I trying so hard to get inside of the apartment?”

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After much convincing from my family, I got an emergency restraining order against Danny and moved into a little house all by myself. There was nothing more that I wanted in my life but to heal and move beyond this mess. Yet, after 5 years I was just a fragile shell of myself. I couldn’t even tell you what my favorite song was. I had just become an extension of Danny’s personality. I had to dig deep and force myself out of my comfort zone.

I decided that I was going to do everything that Danny had forbidden me to do. I got a gym membership and worked out by myself. Danny was too insecure and jealous for me to be around fit men while working out. I went to the Park Ave. festival by myself. . . I never was really allowed to do anything by myself. I started trying to date. . . I had never really dated in my adult life! 

Then, my step-sister, Veronica called me up and said that there was a boudoir studio looking for an assistant. She raved to me how much she enjoyed her photo session with the male photographer. "Call them now!!” The first thing that flew into my mind was that Danny would NOT approve of this. I called up Asif and had an interview for the next day. Before I walked into my interview, Danny’s words were still screaming in my head - “This is porn. . . what if this guy attacks you? How would you explain where you would work to anyone?” I put one foot in front of another knowing that I would have to at least go to the interview. I had interviewed at many studios before so I was used to not getting these types of jobs. Imagine my surprise when Asif offered me a job.

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I worked my butt off going above and beyond my job expectations to secure my position there. Asif and Andrea both would ask me when would I have my own boudoir session? I didn’t have a boyfriend at the time so I just assumed that it was not right for me to be a client. But the more clients that I assisted, the more my perception changed. A lot of women WOULD do these for themselves. I would see clients walk in really nervous and then after their session, they would walk out confident and empowered! It seemed so powerful. I wrestled with the question of whether or not this was safe for me to do. Even though it had been a year since breaking up with Danny, I still had his voice chiming in my ear. As I continued to be brave and push through these things he wouldn't approve of, I found that his voice in my mind was also slipping away. 

Months went by when one day Asif told me that they were doing “before and after” model sessions and I signed up. I mean, if it was bad enough that I was working in a boudoir studio, just imagine Danny’s shock of me TAKING boudoir photos for myself and having them up on a website! This was the final way to close that ugly chapter in my life and start new by taking my power back which would finally be the end of his voice in my head. I was SOOO nervous to have my boudoir photos done. . . I mean this is my boss. . . not a stranger. Even though I had seen so many women make that choice and follow through, it. was. nerve-wracking. I gave myself an internal pep talk the whole car ride there, “This is MY life, MY body and I am a strong woman. I would no longer be a doormat for men in my life.”

I arrived at the studio for my boudoir session ridiculously early. To the point where I was just ready to begin the process rather then to wait a second longer. Shoranda was my makeup artist and made me feel like an absolute goddess by the time she was finished. I had never worn so much makeup before and I had no idea how beautiful I could look! I still looked like me, however, I looked like the very best version of myself. I showed Asif all the clothes I brought and he very confidently made decisions for me so I wouldn’t second guess my options anymore. Throughout the entire session, Asif remained completely professional and by no means was it awkward like I had initially feared. Of course he was my boss, and friend, by this point, but he never treated me any different than a client who walked through the door for the first time. He respected my comfort zone, allowed me to take my time getting used to being in front of the camera and never came close to crossing a boundary. I wish I could find the words to express how transforming the experience was for my personal growth. I felt as though, for the first time, I walked out of The Boudoir Studio as Jill. With my own interests, my own identity, my own power and decisions. I was no longer an extension of another human being. I was my own being.

Now, when I look back at those photos, I know that it was the beginning of reclaiming my confidence, self-esteem, and self-respect.  I had no idea how much boudoir would’ve changed my life, but I had certainly made the right decision.

“This is MY life, MY body and I am a strong woman. I would no longer be a doormat for men in my life.”

— Jill

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If you need help leaving an abusive relationship contact Rochester, N.Y.’s own Women’s Shelter:

Willow Domestic Violence Center

24-Hour Hotline(585) 222-SAFE (7233)24-Hour Text Line(585) 348-SAFE (7233)