Domestic Violence Awareness Month
Domestic Violence Awareness Month
By: Jill & Asif
Nearly 1 in 4 women have experienced severe physical violence from an intimate partner during their lifetime. Young women between the ages of 16 and 24 experience the highest rate of intimate partner violence — almost triple the national average. Violence against women is not limited to socioeconomic status, race, age, or cultural background. 4 million women each year are subjected to abuse committed by their male partners, intimate partner violence is defined as “a pattern of assaultive and coercive behaviors used to establish power and control over another person whom an intimate relationship has been shared”.
Healing after domestic violence is a lifelong journey of recognizing destructive behavior in one's self and in others, letting go of wrong placed guilt, forgiveness and listening to one’s intuition. Some of our own clients here at The Boudoir Studio have booked a session as a way to reclaim their power that was taken away by their abusers. Asif shares his personal story of how boudoir can be used as a tool for healing:
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The last three years have been revolutionary for me in an introspective way. Never before have I dug so deep when it comes to becoming self-aware. It’s been a journey of great discovery, pain, and enlightenment for me. During this time I had an “aha” moment about why I am so passionate about being a boudoir photographer and what it means to me. We all have some pivotal moments occur in our lives that end up shaping and molding who we are without our consent or solicitation. Sometimes we might not even realize their impact on us until we face another situation in our life that awakens the memories of such events in our past.
I’ve been a boudoir photographer for nearly a decade now and have had the honor of photographing well over a thousand women so far. During this time, as you can only imagine, I’ve heard all sorts of stories that have impacted the lives of my clients. Of all the stories I’ve heard so far, nothing gets me worked up as much as the story of abuse. I find myself either wanting to sob as I hear their stories of pain, because I feel it so deeply, or I find within myself the urge to become a vigilante and go settle the score on my own!
Why though? Well, let me share a quick story that has deeply impacted me as a boudoir photographer and then I’ll share it’s meaning to me by explaining the aha moment I already told you about earlier. The reason this is so impactful to me is that it came to me when I felt the lowest in my career and my level of shame and embarrassment were at an all-time high. Before the affair between Nicki and my previous senior pastor (see my past blog “I’ve Been Living With A Secret. . .” for the whole story there), I used to be a youth pastor at the same church. Being in ministry within the context of the church was a huge priority to me. After the affair, I lost my way (or so I thought at the time) and ended up becoming a boudoir photographer. A few years in, a client came to be photographed by me. She was no ordinary client for me. She was the mother of a boy who I had been a youth pastor to just a few short years ago. Not only that, but she happened to be the wife of an executive leader at another church I was attending after the affair. “What does she think of me? Have I become the devil? I wish I could crawl into a hole and just hide.” These were my thoughts. To make it worse, her friend who came to the session and the photo viewing appointment with her was an acquaintance of mine as well who kept asking me why I chose to become a boudoir photographer. “How can your wife be ok with this?” she asked.
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My client, on the other hand, had recently gotten a boob job, was going through a divorce and came in to celebrate the start of a new life. Kudos to her! The reason for the divorce was that she could no longer take the emotional and verbal abuse she underwent for over 30 years - all because good Christian wives, especially those in leadership roles, ought to work through it and avoid divorce at all costs. Wow! Without digressing much let me get back to the friend’s question as to why I do this. I took in a deep breath looked at my client and asked her straight-up, “Well, you tell us, you’ve just been photographed by me, a guy, should my wife be concerned? How was it being photographed by a guy for you?”
I braced myself expecting her to politely compliment my professionalism yet saying something to the effect that this might be better situated to women as a career option. I was ready to hide under the proverbial wet blanket of shame. What she said totally threw me off. She said that being photographed by me was one of the most empowering and healing experiences of her life. Both her friend and I looked at her in shock and simultaneously asked her to explain what she meant by “healing”. With her story of abuse as the backdrop, she said that to have another man affirm her beauty to her with no strings attached was one of the most impactful experiences of her life. This story has stuck with me through the years and remains at the forefront of my mind.
Now, let’s get to the “aha” moment I had. I’ve heard countless stories of abuse during my career as a boudoir photographer and each time I am disturbed to the core. I can’t simply listen and move on as if all is normal. I want it to change. I want it to stop! Why does it work me up so much? Why is that story of my client so impactful to me? Then, it hits me. I remember as a child witnessing domestic abuse in my own home and acknowledging the powerlessness of my own mom. Remembering her threats to simply start walking one day and never stop and never return. Remembering her shattered hopes from so many broken promises. Remembering wanting to do something about it, to put a stop to it, preventing it from happening to begin with. I remember saying to my mom countless times as a child, “Don’t worry mommy, I’ll take care of you. Don’t worry mommy, when I grow up I will. . . ” Fill in the gaps and make up for the loss. Without knowing it, as a child I saw my mom’s power being taken from her and wanted nothing more than to give that power back and restore some sense of autonomy to her again.
This is the aha moment I had: I realized that I found a way to do just that through being a boudoir photographer. That is why I am so passionate about it. It is what fuels my passion. I have been able to do this for many women already and who knows how many more to come! Abuse, as well as other things in life, end up taking your power away as a woman. I see the experience of boudoir photography as one simple tool among many to help you take your power back! Boudoir photography impacts the most important relationship in your life: your relationship with YOU! When you improve your relationship with you, all your other relationships will be impacted as a result. Some will be enhanced for the better and some will be left behind in the dust as they should since they are not worth your life!
- Asif
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In order for a woman to safely leave her abuser and move on to a healthy life, she needs access to safety, support from professionals and education to improve her own health and wellness. Rochester, NY, women who find themselves in an intimate violent relationship have access to the Willow Center. Willow offers a variety of services like a 24/7 hotline, children services, counseling, court accompaniment, emergency shelter, education, training, and supportive housing. “Each year, Willow Center provides services to over 7,500 clients and reaches another 12,000 through prevention education in the Greater Rochester area” (https://willowcenterny.org/). Leaving an abusive relationship is dangerous and could be life-threatening. Resources such as the Willow Center quietly and safely navigate women to execute their escape plans. During a women’s 30 day stay within a safe shelter, she can take advantage of resources like WIC, social security, health insurance, legal advice, restraining orders, divorce filings, employment and finding an affordable home. Abusers want their victims to feel helpless and alone but if victims know of the resources waiting for them, the hope is that they can leave their relationship sooner.
How you can help
Willow Center depends on the generosity of community members like us to help provide basic needs and supplies to survivors. Willow provides a seasonal wish list for items that are in need. As of September 2019, their wish list includes:
Halloween costumes
Headphones
First aid kits
Clothing and shoes – Fall items only please
Women’s casual Fall clothing– tops and bottoms
Children’s clothing (sizes 12m-14/16) — Fall items only please
Seasonal adult and children’s shoes (sneakers) – new or gently used only
New women’s underwear (sizes 5-14 only)
New children’s underwear and t-shirts (sizes 2T-XL)
Bras (sizes 44 and up only)
Bathrobes
Pants hangers
Personal care items
Softee-hair food with vitamin-E
Face cleanser
Lotion
Toothpaste
Shampoo
Conditioner
Hair combs
Lip balm
Infant/toddler
New umbrella strollers
New baby bottles
Baby wash & lotion
Baby oil
Baby wipes
Diapers– sizes newborn, 1, 2 & 6
You can also purchase these on their Amazon.com wish list here
How we will help
We believe that every woman that comes through our door should leave feeling empowered and beautiful. The Boudoir Studio is partnering up with Rochester’s Willow Center to donate a portion from every session to continue to support this very important cause. Help end the silence on domestic violence and give women their power back from their abusers.
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