Confessions From the Wife of a Boudoir Photographer
Take the brave step to book a boudoir experience with Boudoir Studios New York and find yourself again, or perhaps for the first time, as you see yourself in a whole new Light!
Confessions from the wife of a Boudoir Photographer
by Nicki Ali
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“He regularly gets asked, ‘Is your wife ok with you doing this?!?’”
Asif and I have had Boudoir Studios New York for about 13 years and over the years, he regularly gets asked, “Is your wife ok with you doing this?!?” Well, we decided it was time to put the answer out there, for everyone to hear, directly from me. Here is my story about what it’s like to be the wife of a boudoir photographer. . .
My Dilemma
When boudoir entered our life, I was in turmoil. Asif and I had recently come through the worst season of our marriage. The reason for this was that about a year before, I had a dark secret that came out - I had been having an affair with the pastor of our church. It was the darkest time of my life, my biggest regret, and it caused us both so much pain. It could’ve been the end of us, but we chose to grow, both individually and as a couple, through the pain. As a result, through a long process, I underwent a life transformation and thankfully, Asif and I came through it all stronger. However, when boudoir showed up, I was incredibly resistant to it and my biggest struggle was that it felt so wrong, but I couldn’t pinpoint what actually was wrong about it. Asif wasn’t cheating on me, he wasn’t crossing any boundaries whatsoever with the women on the other side of his camera, and he was being completely up front and honest with me. To me, it felt like a black and white issue, clearly wrong, but every time I tried to explain why it was wrong, I came up empty. The truth is boudoir was a gray area and I couldn’t handle gray areas very well. So I would jump to another side (still trying to make it black and white) and say that boudoir must be coming into our lives to punish me for what I did. If it was punishment for my cheating, then I could accept it because I’m sure I deserved that. Well, neither of these responses would lead to anything good, as I eventually learned. Here’s the story:
“I told Asif that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, which was a bit terrifying because we were already struggling to make it on two full-time incomes. ”
The Beginning
Our boudoir journey began before Asif even got his first camera! When I got pregnant in the fall of 2009, I told Asif that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, which was a bit terrifying because we were already struggling to make it on two full-time incomes.
But he supported my desire and we began to consider the options. He had always wanted to own his own business, but didn’t have the education or money to just go ahead and start or buy a business. He had taken some pictures for some friends who were engaged and designed their really cool wedding invitations. Our friends got a lot of compliments on their invites. With this in mind, one day I blurted out, “You should become a photographer!”
Well, that little “outburst” of an idea became more than we could have possibly imagined! He immersed himself in any sort of photography education he could get his hands on - books, online tutorials, etc. He was seeking to get into wedding photography, believing that was where the money was. However, boudoir started knocking on the door almost immediately. At the time, boudoir photography was emerging (at least in this area) and in the photography world, everything seemed to say, “If you want to be a wedding photographer, you need to offer boudoir photography to your brides.”
“Boudoir had officially entered our life. And I felt sick about it.”
Well, of course I was not a fan of this concept and thought for sure there was no way he would consider it. I think at first he felt the same, but boudoir was a persistent little bugger and eventually he found himself considering it. One day he came upon a job opportunity - a photography studio in Buffalo needed a photographer. He looked into it, only to find out it was a boudoir studio! What!? Well, it was the only option available to pursue at that moment and we needed to increase our income fast. He reached out and they scheduled an interview. His first camera arrived shortly AFTER the interview, and I became his first model (at this point it was maternity boudoir, our baby was born 1 week after his camera arrived!). Well, Asif knew that if he was going to have a chance with this job, he needed experience so he decided to post a Craigslist ad for free boudoir sessions. The response was shocking - he had so much interest that he had to rent out a studio downtown for the sessions he was doing. Things didn’t pan out with the Buffalo job, but boudoir had officially entered our life. And I felt sick about it.
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“To this day I admire his bravery and respect him so much for taking those scary steps, all to allow me to have my dream of staying home with our baby!!”
The Persistence of Boudoir
I really hoped it was just temporary and things would take off with wedding photography soon enough. He offered all genres of free photography on Craigslist (weddings, babies, families, engagement sessions, etc.). One couple took a risk on him and let him photograph their wedding for free! To this day I admire his bravery and respect him so much for taking those scary steps, all to allow me to have my dream of staying home with our baby!! I think of him showing up at a wedding, not knowing what it was going to be like, and I know for sure I would not have been able to do that if I were in his shoes! I totally would have chickened out and quit.
But he didn’t quit. He kept going and, in fact, this couple raved about him and his photography! To me, it was no surprise, he clearly had a natural talent, both for photography and working with people so it was just a matter of practice and learning and time that would work out the rest.
During this time he reached out to some local photographers to see if they would allow him to “shadow” them at a shoot, in hopes of gleaning some helpful tips and knowledge. Well, the photographers that said “yes” mostly worked with models and did either swimsuit shoots or boudoir. While he was shadowing one man in particular during a swimsuit session, Asif asked him what his wife thought about this type of photography. He answered, “Our relationship is much bigger than this, she has no problem with it.” When Asif shared this with me, I remember feeling angry at that woman - how could she just be “ok” with this? I felt like her stance somehow made me accountable to work through my own fears and concerns, like if another woman could be ok with her husband taking sexy photos of women, then I had no excuse.
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“I believe that we attract to ourselves the desires that our emotions most deeply align with, and sometimes we don’t recognize when those desires are met because they come in a different way then we imagined. ”
I was so resistant but boudoir kept knocking. Asif and I had many discussions about how I felt, he was very understanding of my feelings and I think he hoped there was another way. But after that one couple’s wedding, his non-boudoir Craigslists ads were not yielding any interest. But the interest in boudoir never slowed.
Every time he did a boudoir session at that studio downtown, I was home with our baby, just imagining the scene he was in - my husband was in a studio with some stranger woman who was in her lingerie!! My heart raced the entire time, as I tried to fight off terrible imaginations. I reminded myself that I trust him completely, that he has always been honest with me about everything, that I had nothing to worry about. And deep down inside I knew for sure that he was being completely professional and above-board with these women. But it was still hard - I was mad, but didn’t even know who to be mad at: Asif, for ever considering this? The woman who said “yes” to his ad? God, for making it seem like boudoir was our only option?
Getting on the ship
I went back and forth in my mind, trying to come up with a solid reason why boudoir was wrong (to no avail) and then trying to believe that it was my punishment (also to no avail). I just couldn’t settle on either of these conclusions. Something in me knew they weren’t right. Through all my tumultuous feelings, I couldn’t help but acknowledge that I was up against something bigger than me, that my resistance was essentially futile. I talked myself through the options and discovered that I only had 2 choices: either “lay down the law” and demand that he quit boudoir for good (which I knew he would do in a split-second if I asked him to) or accept that something I couldn’t control was happening regardless of my feelings and figure out how to make the best of it. I knew that if I were to demand that he quit, it would always be on me, I would forever be responsible for shutting something down that may have been the right path for us. I didn’t dare do that. I realized that my only option was the scariest one: somehow accept and embrace the unknown, the gray area, the uncertainty.
I believe in a divine power and I believe that there are times in our lives when the Universe brings things to us that we don’t like at first, so that we can stretch and grow and evolve into better versions of ourselves. So I decided that I had to let go and trust! Did this mean I was suddenly ok with boudoir photography? No, I still had the same feelings but now I was determined to work through them and trust the process.
After coming to this resolve, I told Asif, “I see boudoir photography as a ship that is about to leave the shore. I’m scared to get on, I’m afraid it’s going to sink, but it’s more important to me to be on the ship with you rather than to stay on the shore, feeling safe. So I’m getting on this ship and I’m with you no matter what happens. If it sinks, I’ll sink with you.”
“I had valued the illusion of safety and security over the risk of love and trust. And as a result, I made some horrible choices in our marriage.”
The story behind the story
This was a HUGE deal for me considering the fact that I had spent the first 8 years of our marriage (at this point we’d been married for 9 years) clinging to the proverbial shore, even if it meant not being with Asif in things. I had valued the illusion of safety and security over the risk of love and trust. And as a result, I made some horrible choices in our marriage. It was this clinging to safety, seeking to protect myself at all costs, that eventually led to me cheating on him with the pastor of our church.
It was a betrayal of the worst kind, and I didn’t do it because I didn’t love Asif anymore. No, I did it because I had become so self-righteous and prideful that I was attracted to the person who was just like me, that pastor. I had never fully given my heart to Asif and he had always given his whole heart to me. This reality was uncomfortable, but I hadn’t been able to see why.
So I was a prime candidate for this man’s advances and it fed right into my self-protecting pride. When the truth about my secret life all came out, I was relieved and terrified. I hated living a lie, but I felt stuck, too scared to just confess. Asif gently confronted me about it and that’s when the facade started to break. I am forever grateful that Asif chose to stay with me, to walk the horribly painful journey of dealing with the mess I had created.
This became a period of major transformation for me because I realized that I had been willing to flush away my marriage with an amazing man, just to keep myself safe from potential hurt. I had been given a second chance, been saved from my own reckless choice. I was determined to change and knew that I actually could change now because for the first time I was being honest with myself. For the first time I saw my own vulnerabilities and embraced the pain in my heart that I had been hiding from. So Asif took a risk, and trusted that I would truly change. Barely a year later, boudoir was my first test - had my heart really changed or was I going to stay the same and play it safe?
Well, 13 years later I can say that I passed the test :) And as it turned out, the ship didn’t sink, it sailed on a journey I never could have imagined taking.
“I realized that inside of me there’s the grown-up version of that little girl who loved to dress like a princess, dance in a tutu, do her hair, etc. And I was starting to get to know her again.”
The Magic of Boudoir
As I began to embrace boudoir, it began to work its magic in me. I had never been a “girly-girl”. My definition of makeup is chapstick. My definition of an up-do is a messy bun. My favorite clothes are sweats and t-shirts. So, needless to say, I wasn’t in touch with my sexy side at all. Add to that the inhibitions I had, due to the fact that sex was rarely talked about in my home growing up and the fact that my mom passed away when I was 9, leaving me without her guidance during my crucial years of growth; at times I felt more masculine than feminine!
However, as I “modeled” for Asif, and saw myself in these pictures, it awakened something that was inside of me all along - my female sexiness and my desire to look and feel beautiful! I realized that inside of me there’s the grown-up version of that little girl who loved to dress like a princess, dance in a tutu, do her hair, etc. And I was starting to get to know her again. I allowed myself to feel sexy without feeling guilty, I enjoyed the fact that I am attractive and beautiful to Asif and that he desires me. I accepted that for myself which made me better able to accept that from him! Needless to say, this helped our relationship immensely.
Enter: The Studio
After renting that studio downtown for 3 months, Asif saw a Craigslist ad for a photography studio for sale: A Touch of Elegance Photography in Fairport. As much as I liked experiencing boudoir for myself, I still hoped that boudoir photography would not continue on for long and the “regular” genres of photography would take over. So when this wedding and portrait studio was an option, I thought this would be it! We could earn enough from weddings and portraits and Asif wouldn’t have to do boudoir anymore. Well, we moved forward to buy this business and go figure, the previous owner asked Asif if he would do a boudoir session for her so she could give the photos to her husband!! She also told him NOT to let go of boudoir because he was so skilled at it. My heart sank. I thought this would be the way out but rather it only strengthened the connection we had to boudoir. Aggghh, more feelings to work through, but I committed to stay on the ship so I did. I asked Asif something at the time that we regularly quote now, with laughter: “This business will never become a boudoir studio, right??” Asif wisely answered that he didn’t know for sure, but that certainly was not his goal.
My final answer
Fast forward to 2018, I was the one who decided that we should call our studio The Boudoir Studio and then to 2020, when we decided to ONLY offer boudoir photography and no other kind. . . I’d say my heart has changed! Ironically, on occasion, Asif has tossed around the idea of letting go of boudoir and I have been the one to say “No way.” After seeing enough women’s lives transformed from their experiences with us, my apprehensions and fears dissipated and gave way to a passion and desire to offer this experience to as many women as possible.
So now my answer to the question, “Is your wife ok with you doing this?!?” is:
“Yes, I am not only ok with him being a boudoir photographer but I am passionate about being in it with him and not in any hurry for him to let go of it. I know what this did for me and us, and I know what it will do for our clients. He is talented and gifted in this arena and we are grateful to be a part of each woman’s journey who comes through our doors. I’m on the boudoir ship and I wouldn’t change that choice for anything.”
***If you’re reading this, you’ve probably read my entire blog post (aka book, lol!). Thank you! This post was originally written in 2019 and I’ve reposted it with updated photos, dates, and a few things said in the way the 2023 version of me would say them :)