Wonder Woman: A Different Kind of Mother
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Intro by Jill:
What is a Wonder Woman? She is so much more than just a guest blogger. . . she is opening up the world to her story of challenges and regrowth. Our latest Wonder Woman is proof that unconditional love for a child is all you need in order to be a mother. Danielle reflects on how a near death experience changed her career path to healthcare which ultimately put her on the path to becoming a foster mother. Fostering is certainly not for the weak at heart. . . Danielle’s experiences are no exception yet she still finds the strength to open her mind and heart to children in need.
Here is what she has to say:
While I don’t have biological kids, I like to say that I am a different kind of mother because fostering is the ultimate sacrifice. After all, these kids and babies, are with you 24/7. You try to keep their lives as normal as possible. . . but you are also living in a parallel universe because you don’t know how much time you have with them. Because the legal system is very complicated, it all depends on the case and every case is so different. You just don’t know.
Before I started fostering, there was a situation that happened in my family that resulted in me raising my niece and nephew. My niece was 10 months old at the time and my nephew was 2 1/2 years old. They came to live with me for a while. I took care of all of them because a lot was going on. I'm very close to my niece, she is 9 now. However, going through all of that made me interested in fostering because I was on the other end as a guardian. We were in family court a lot and as a result, I became familiar with the process and legal parameters through this experience.
Becoming a foster parent includes an intensive background check, training, and tough classes. It was intense, I'm not going to lie. The process can take some time depending on your situation and how quickly you get approved from fingerprinting, financial stability, and home visits. You are compensated for fostering; however, you need to prove that you can afford this without compensation. Some people try to do this for the money and there are safeguards around this problem because you do not get paid right away. You need to be financially ready to pay for anything that happens with the child if it were to come up unexpectedly. You also need to have references that are not family to explain your character, personality and that back up who you are. Then you get an interview and fill out a lot of paperwork before the home visits happen. At the beginning of the home visits, they go through your house from a safety standpoint and make note of how many bedrooms you have. Then you take the classes. I completed these classes at night because I work during the day full-time. These classes last for around 6-8 weeks. This completes your certification for your license to foster children. You need to get this renewed every year. A caseworker is assigned to you to assist you through this entire process and they stay with you after certification. Every child in the system also has a caseworker assigned to them.
I got my first phone call before my license had even arrived in the mail. They called me about a teenager and I was not quite ready for a teenager yet. I had just finished my certification and they called me the next day. I can’t accept teenagers! I said no. So the first time I fostered I was given twins! Talk about having no energy. . . they were two years old. I thought I was going to lose my mind. I only had them for a little while but they were a handful!
“ I had just finished my certification and they called me the next day.”
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Then I had a sweet little boy come to me. He was soooo tiny. Born prematurely, 2 months early, he weighed only 3 pounds when he was born. He was the tiniest cutest little boy. I was given the heads up with this case because of my medical background but he spent a lot of time in the NICU all hooked up with tubes. I wasn’t sure if he would come home to me. He was 6 weeks old by then, but not really because he was so premature! They ended up going by his birth date and so he could be placed with me. When he eventually did come home, he was 6 weeks old and weighed 7 lbs. It was like having a brand new newborn.
“Being a foster parent is such a catch 22 because when they are with you, your life is so full.”
I got him on a Friday and went back to work on Monday. When a child is needing to get placed, it happens very quickly. So you need to make sure that you are in a point and place where you are ready and have support from family, friends, or neighbors. Some things happened in my case that probably shouldn’t have which made everything harder. You try to think that everything happens for a reason, and I can tell you that if he wasn’t with me, he wouldn’t be living right now. My little boy needed surgery right after I got him. Thankfully I could handle his health issues. He at least had a chance to live when he was placed with me because I did everything for him. I work in the health field, and I am very blessed that I knew how to advocate for him. I fought hard for him and getting him what he needed. It definitely changed my life. Being a foster parent is such a catch 22 because when they are with you, your life is so full. You just don’t know what’s going to happen. It forces you to live in the moment.
“You try to think that everything happens for a reason, and I can tell you that if he wasn’t with me, he wouldn’t be living right now.”
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My little boy was the world’s worst sleeper! He would not sleep and he also had sensory issues. I picked up on it right away. Children with sensory processing disorders are usually divided into two groups: under-sensitive or over-sensitive. When they are over-sensitive they can’t focus, it gets to be too much and they can become scattered. Then there are children who are under-sensitive meaning that they really need to take in information. These types of children will go over and beyond what they need to feed that. My little boy happened to be under-sensitive. Once he became strong enough, he would use his toy and bang it on the floor all day long. He just loved to be held, which is the best feeling in the world. . . but he needed that 24/7. I don’t even know how I did it, to be honest. There were times where I would sleep sitting up, holding him in bed because I needed sleep. . . I mean, I was still working full-time! He would sleep and day-care for only 1 hour and I have no idea where he would get his energy from. I could not get him to sleep for more than an hour at a time unless I was holding him.
“There were times where I would sleep sitting up, holding him in bed because I needed sleep. . . I mean, I was still working full-time! ”
Different things come to mind as to why his sleeping was not consistent. For example, the crib at daycare was smaller than my crib at home and that could bother his sensory issues. I came up with so many inventive ways to get him to sleep! You have to take into account a foster child’s medical background, like being a NICU baby and try to plan for the unexpected. All that he could handle was 2oz bottles every 2 hours and gosh, that lasted for the longest time.
Looking back on it, I am just amazed at how I was able to function on such little sleep. There is no maternity leave when you receive a baby to foster, you just receive them and get started. Thankfully my job was flexible, allowing me to use my vacation time to stay home with my little boy if he had the slightest fever or could be susceptible to anything at his daycare. I am a one-parent home, I am here, by myself. When my little boy was with me, I always had to make sure that I could take time off. With the position I have now, I have the flexibility to work from home but back then I saved all of my time to make sure he stayed healthy and make all of his doctor appointments.
“There is no maternity leave when you receive a baby to foster, you just receive them and get started. ”
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There is a whole other component to taking care of my little boy. We had to go through surgery when he was just so tiny. He had a lot of health issues and I was at Strong Hospital a lot and I got to know the nurses which was so helpful. However, one thing to consider in fostering a child is that by definition of the court, you are that child’s guardian. But, if something comes up from a medical standpoint, you cannot make a medical decision. This is because you are not the biological parent. Being in the medical field, I knew when I had to really push for something he needed. The county can make a decision or a medical doctor can make a decision. Most of the time it was a medical doctor who would make those decisions regarding my little boy. A medical doctor can override a judge and they are familiar with these kinds of cases. Because you don’t know much of the child’s history, anything can pop-up.
I was planning on adopting my little boy and it was so close to being finalized before he left me. I think that that is why it’s all so heartbreaking to me. At the last minute, after having him for 2 years, everything changed and he was sent to one of his biological family members. He ended up going to a parent that I didn’t agree with. The legal system had all the control so I had no choice.
“I don’t regret the time I had spent with him, he will always be part of me. ”
You just don’t know how strong you are until you’re in that position. It forces you, in those situations, to live in the moment because you can’t really plan. You really can’t. . . it’s the ultimate sacrifice. He is always going to be a part of me but it is hard. I don’t regret the time I had spent with him, he will always be part of me. I still have pictures of him up at my house, I can’t take them down. He was part of my family’s lives. I support anyone who fosters, it keeps you on your toes and keeps you flexible. It’s a blessing and a curse.
So I still have my foster license. When you are fostering a child, every few months there is a hearing on the case and everything depends on what goes on. To be a foster parent you have to be very flexible, and just go with the flow. Emotionally, it is hard. It’s definitely not for the weak at heart. But then you see these wonderful cases where kids get adopted and it is intense. There are all sorts of situations where these kids come from and some of them have one parent involved some have two. Some have one parent in the beginning and then the other parent shows up.
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You just have to remember that when you get into fostering, you need to set boundaries. I had very strict boundaries, probably because I work in healthcare. You have to keep yourself safe, the child safe, and ensure that your family is safe and not cross those boundaries. You always have the right to say no. It’s not like they call you up with a foster child and you have to say yes. Personally, I have said no so many times.
If you’re married, you and your spouse have to go through the class and certification together. All of the classes are fine-tuned to your unique situation. If you have kids in the home, there’s a specific class for that. So when you start the process of becoming a fostering parent, the time range of when you are certified varies based on your situation. If you put forth the full effort to get everything turned in quickly and stay on top of it, you could get certified within 6 months.
The thing that they don’t share with you is that when you decide to take care of a child you do not have the full story. When they are removed from the home, or, if they are in the hospital and come home to you, you only have what they know at that time. This is because everything happens so quickly. With my sweet little boy, it was near the end that I almost pieced together his full story. I had just begun to understand what had happened because no handbook comes with these kids. Babies can’t tell you what happened to them that resulted in them coming to you and sometimes the court won’t even tell you. A lot of times, CPS won’t tell you and the County just doesn’t know either because it had just happened. You have to go with it and figure it out without losing your sense of self.
“With my sweet little boy, it was near the end that I almost pieced together his full story. I had just begun to understand what had happened because no handbook comes with these kids.”
I strive to make sure that my family and friends know to keep boundaries because they may interact with the biological parent and not even know it. When it comes down to it, things can happen, people can turn by acting one way on a day and act a totally different way on the next. Then, there are cases where the biological parents aren’t involved at all with the child. The best way I can explain fostering is the ultimate sacrifice. If you are willing to take care of another person’s child for them, to me, it is a whole different level. From a legal standpoint, you need to act in the best interest of the child. From a legal standpoint, the goal is to always return the child to the parent or a family member. So how the process works is that if they can’t find a parent, then they try to work on a family member. But, the family member has to be willing to step up. If the family member is not willing to step up, then the child goes into fostering. At the same time, the family could appear from anywhere and prove that they are willing to care for the child. Sometimes there needs to be blood testing to ensure that it is a family member.
“The best way I can explain fostering is the ultimate sacrifice. If you are willing to take care of another person’s child for them, to me, it is a whole different level. ”
Each case can be so different, it just depends on the circumstances and the family, what’s the story and importantly, who is telling it. I can tell you that the life he had with me is different than the one he has now. Which makes this so hard to swallow. . . I mean, you can’t tell people how to parent a child. It is beyond frustrating. Sometimes you just have to wait for a situation to happen. It’s so difficult because you essentially have to watch a parent fail. You learn a lot about yourself and realize how strong you can be when you are going through it. Sometimes fostering can lead to adoption but you can also just be strictly fostering.
If you're thinking about fostering, my advice to you is that it’s a very mind-opening experience. If you can be open-minded to it, it can be very rewarding. It’s a very challenging and selfless act to be able to help an infant, a child, or a teenager or whoever comes into your life. It’s incredible to be able to help them get more grounded and to actually see the results of that. . . however little time you have with them.
If I could go back and give myself some advice for the future, I would go way back to before I was 18 and tell myself, “You’re stronger than you know for what lies ahead.” I went through a lot of hardships early on in life. I rely on my strength a lot.
“It’s incredible to be able to help them get more grounded and to actually see the results of that. . . however little time you have with them. ”
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When I had my boudoir session and I talked to Asif, I told him that I wanted mostly body shots. He asked me why and I told him that I do not want a picture of my face and that I don’t feel comfortable having my picture taken, I am the one that is usually behind the camera. I was in a very bad car accident when I was 18 years old. I was very close to dying and I sustained many injuries. I had to have surgeries done on my face. Your face is like putty, and when they do facial surgery you have to wait a while to adjust. Your face is just such a different place when you compare it to other parts of your body. I was very disfigured after surviving that car accident because I had sustained so many injuries and had to wait in between multiple facial surgeries. So I became very empathetic. I know what it’s like to look disfigured and to have people stare at you. My car accident became the reason why I got into the healthcare field. I had never planned on going into healthcare.
With that being said, if you were to look at me now, you wouldn’t be able to tell, but I see my scars every day. They are on my face. They are there. I do a good job of hiding it with makeup but when you have something like this happen, it definitely changes you. It was a big step for me to take a close up photo of my face at my boudoir session.
I was really pleased and really happy with my experience at The Boudoir Studio. I wasn’t really sure what to expect, I have always wanted to do this and this was actually on my bucket list! I pushed myself to do this, lost some weight, and it felt like the timing was right. I felt very comfortable with Asif. It was like he said, “The process is not sexy while you're taking the photos,” and it’s really not. But it was fun and I'm glad I had help picking out my outfits because I struggled with that. It’s hard to know what would look good together so I felt really supported with that. I honestly wasn’t sure how it was going to turn out because when you are doing these poses you don’t get to see the results of it until later. He kept telling me, “These look amazing!” And in my head, I am thinking, “Okaaay. . . I hope so!”I even told him that I was going to be extra critical because of everything I had been through.
Asif told me that he was proud of me for taking a picture of my face and I ended up really pleased with how they came out. The boudoir personality quiz helped me figure out what level of comfortability I was before the session. I also like that you could have your hair and makeup done because I was not about to do my own makeup for this! The poses weren’t too tough, if you do yoga already you will be fine. I didn’t end up sore at all.
Everyone at The Boudoir Studio is so creative, there is no just “one set experience,” it is based on your energy and comfortability. After my session, I felt so accomplished, but still nervous about the end result. When I saw all of my photos I had so much validation. One thing that stood out to me was how comfortable I was the entire time from an emotional and psychological standpoint. I feel so honored to be featured on the blog as a Wonder Woman. I think that it is so empowering that The Boudoir Studio is recognizing that it is not just about going through the poses. . . there is more to the story behind what makes us all Wonder Women.
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“My boudoir session changed my life... you have no idea how much confidence I have now. I will never be the same.”
— Danielle