Balance
by Nicki Ali
The funny thing about balance is that we don’t always know when we’re out of balance. Mainly because we’ve been so used to proverbially hopping on one foot, that we don’t even know that the option of walking on two feet, in balance, exists. We believe that awkwardly hopping, precariously balancing, making sure we don’t fall, is normal, not realizing that this is using up far more energy than we need to use.
One big area of imbalance that we often hear about from our clients is in the area of “caring for others” vs. “self care.” Many women come to us to do a boudoir shoot because they finally have started to notice how exhausted they are from caring for others while neglecting their own self care. Hopping on one foot has finally tired them out enough to get their attention.
Asif and I (Nicki) just had an experience with recognizing some imbalance in our own lives recently, here is what happened with us:
Asif and I have been deep in the process of undoing our codependent ways of relating, discovering who we are as individuals, and learning how to relate to each other from our authentic selves. This process has been deeply painful, terrifyingly uncertain, and profoundly healing. Not too long ago, we had a rough week or so during which we were distant, disconnected, and unsure of how to bridge the chasm between us. To the point where both of us were wondering if we would make it. As soon as those thoughts surfaced, we both (individually) felt such deep sorrow and sadness at just thinking about not being together that we knew splitting up wasn’t supposed to be the outcome. But what was going on then? We both wanted to be with each other and yet we both felt unsure about how. Suddenly, during a conversation, we received some clarity - I got a visual that revealed something.
Please use your imagination to try to picture this: I saw each of us standing side by side outside in the grass with about 8-10 feet of distance between us. In front of each of us, laying flat on the ground, was a large rectangular concrete slab, about 4 ft across, 8 ft long, and about 6 inches thick. On my slab was written the word, “masculine,” and on Asif’s slab was the word, “feminine.” I was aware that we needed to lift up these slabs, at first thinking that we needed to flip them over to the opposite sides so that mine said “feminine” and his said “masculine.” Later on I got the full picture and realized that we weren’t supposed to simply flip them over, but to lift them up to have them balanced on their thin side (the 6 inch side) so they would stand like walls. Once they were upright, the side facing me would say “feminine” and the side facing him would say “masculine.” We could be on either side, the masculine or the feminine, but we would be able to see each other and be together only when we were on the side with the word opposite the other’s word. In other words, when I would be on my feminine side and he on his masculine side, we would be together. Also, when I would be on my masculine side and he on his feminine side, we would be together. And the general sense I felt was (to put it in my exact words): “This is HARD.” Of course, picking up a large slab of concrete to flip it over is extremely difficult! And that difficulty is what we had been feeling during that rough week.
That was the visual and here is what it meant to us: So far, for most of our relationship, I have been mainly in my masculine energy and he has been mainly in his feminine. At times this has worked, but it has also wreaked havoc on our relationship at other times. Neither of us have been balanced in our masculine/feminine energies. The truth is, I have feared my feminine, believing that the feminine is weak and vulnerable, susceptible to pain and loss. And Asif has feared his masculine because of the examples of toxic masculinity he had in his life as a child. We have both been avoiding huge parts of ourselves, hopping on one foot when we could be balancing on two! And our relationship has suffered in so many ways because of this. However, we have been shining the light of awareness on this aspect of ourselves and in doing so are beginning to see what has thus far been unconscious.
This visual showed us that our next stage of evolution is this work of bringing balance to our inner feminine and masculine. It is not about flipping the slab over so that now I am only feminine and he is only masculine. It is about balance and equilibrium, that delicate space in between. Both parts need to be in harmony, bringing their incredible strengths to who we are as humans. This evolution is about expanding what is available within ourselves, having more to draw from, it’s about wholeness and healing, accepting and accessing all the parts of ourselves that long to be re-connected to the wholeness that we are when we’re healed.
What does this look like? For starters, it looks like each of us tuning into ourselves, having conversations with those parts of us, getting to know that part on the side of the slab that’s been face down on the ground. It’s been in the dark for a long time, covered in dirt, dead plants, worms and bugs. It needs some cleaning, needs exposure to light, needs to air out. It’s messy at first, the slab might slip and fall back into the dirt, it might take a lot of determination and effort to lift it up till it’s finally balanced. But we’ve begun. We’ve been initiated into this phase of evolution because we’re ready for it.
And the synchronicities that support us are pouring in. Suddenly it turns out that Asif will be attending a men’s retreat where the focus will be entirely on discovering and healing his masculine in deep ways. This retreat was not planned, only deeply desired and logistically not possible for this year. And as it happened, shortly after I saw the concrete slab visual, he got a last minute opportunity to be a part of the retreat, totally unexpectedly and definitely miraculously.
I am exploring my feminine side by taking the time to ask myself what I desire. Just tuning in to my needs and wants is beginning to lift that slab up. My masculine has been running things in my life for so long that I’ve become really good at pressing through and doing things that just need to get done, whether I want to do them or not. I am now taking the time to listen to my desires and am actually allowing myself to receive.
The dynamic in our relationship is shifting as we move towards balance within ourselves. It feels good, new, strange, and unfamiliar. We both have strong personal desires to evolve, and our evolution continually reshapes our relationship as we expand who we are individually. It is a wild ride at times, but totally worth it.
And that brings me to you - why am I writing all this in a blog post? Because in Asif’s boudoir photography sessions he creates a safe space for you, as a woman, to explore the other side of your concrete slab. Maybe yours doesn’t say “masculine” on the side facing up, as mine did, but you contain all the polarities within your individual being and any of them could be out of balance. Perhaps your concrete slab says “caring for others” on the side facing you, while its opposite, “self care” is face down in the dirt. Think about what might feel out of balance within yourself and notice if you feel ready to look at what’s on the other side.
If you feel ready, consider having a boudoir photography session as one way of exploring the parts of yourself that have been neglected and out of balance. It is an especially potent space for those of you who haven’t been so in touch with your feminine expression and for those of you who have been neglecting self-care. If this resonates and you feel ready, schedule a discovery call with us to find out all the details about how a boudoir session can help bring some balance back into your life. After all, walking on two feet is way more enjoyable than hopping on one foot all the time!