Putting Yourself First: The Ultimate Act Of Love
by Francesca Flansburg
“Loving yourself isn’t vanity; it’s sanity.”
By now, we have all probably heard that women have trouble prioritizing ourselves over personal and professional obligations. We’ve been bombarded with messages about how self-care is essential to our mental and physical well-being. Often times, those messages come with solutions, right? Buy the thing, take the class, get the massage, and you can check off ‘self-care’ on your To Do list for the day. But did you truly internalize it? Did that thing, that class, or that massage do the trick? Maybe so!!! Most likely, it did help. However, we at Boudoir Studios New York thought it was important enough to challenge and examine how we put ourselves first (or not) to meet our needs so that we can ultimately show up for everyone we love- including ourselves.
Despite knowing how important it is to take ‘me time’ and treat myself to special things, even I still make excuses and take care of other responsibilities before I feel okay with what sometimes feels like splurging or being selfish. Research shows that women struggle with this more than men do. We have the tendency to put our needs off in order to take care of the children, grandchildren, household chores, professional obligations, parents, significant others, pets, friends, co-workers, and the community at large. Now, in no way are we saying that these things aren’t important. However, it needs to be said, repeated, and maybe made into our own personal mantra that WE ARE LESS AVAILABLE TO OTHERS, LESS EFFECTIVE, LESS PRESENT and perhaps even MORE IRRITABLE & MORE DEMANDING when we aren’t filling our cups first.
“As I began to love myself, I found that anguish and emotional suffering were only warning signs that I was living against my own truth.”
Why do we feel selfish or unworthy when spending time and money on ourselves? We think nothing of buying lavish gifts for our children or our friends. We spare no expense when it’s time to prepare for holidays and special occasions to make sure that our loved ones feel special. Now, please don’t mistake the intent here - it is extremely rewarding and fulfilling to give to others and to see your efforts put a smile on someone’s face or make another’s day that much more enjoyable. The point is that you are less able to show up for others as your true, whole, authentic, and beautiful self when you don’t PUT YOURSELF FIRST…Yes, FIRST.
When our needs go unmet, our minds and bodies speak to us…they let us know. Deep down, we all know this. Our minds and bodies can feel ‘burnt out.’ We can get into low moods and find fault in every little thing that goes ‘wrong’ throughout the day. We develop headaches or other aches and pains. We catch more colds, have trouble sleeping, experience weight gain or encounter relationship issues. We feel out of alignment and may feel the need to self-soothe and numb ourselves by zoning out in front of the TV or by turning to food, alcohol, or other things (insert your favorite vice here). While others may be able to help meet your needs, it is you and only you who can truly take action. The first step is becoming aware of what your needs are. Next, figure out how you can make strides toward making them a priority. And finally, don’t be afraid to communicate your needs to those who may be able to help.
“Be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when you need help, and brave enough to ask for it.”
When talking to girlfriends and other women, the topic of spending money on ourselves comes up ALL THE TIME. Each of us has our own relationship with money and our own tendencies when it comes to spending for ourselves. That makes sense though…one approach does not suit everyone. However, when it affects how we put ourselves first, then it’s worth at least a real, in-depth look. That’s my two-cents anyway (puns intended). We have all heard the terms ‘shopaholic’ and ‘retail therapy’ to describe making purchases in attempts to feel better. By itself, splurging on ourselves is neither good nor bad. It just…depends. Is what you are spending your money on truly making you feel better? Or are you making empty purchases to fill a void that’s better addressed in other ways? Only you can decide. For some, getting our nails done professionally makes us feel good! The ‘me-time’ we carve out of our busy lives, in any capacity, can be enough to say, ‘I matter and my needs are important,’ so the cost is justified. Ad slogans have told us that we’re ‘worth it.’ And they’re right! But you need to decide what genuinely builds you up and meets your needs as opposed to what actually just wastes your money (i.e., that super expensive road bike that has been collecting dust in my garage for the past 8 years. What was I thinking? I think I’ve hopped on that thing a total of four times… Anyone want to buy a bike?).
“How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.”
We all know that actions speak louder than words, right? To me, this speaks volumes in relation to putting our needs first. As a mother, as a friend, a co-worker, a leader, a spouse, a partner, a role-model in ANY CAPACITY, when we love and take care of ourselves first, it shows others how to love us AND how to take better care of themselves as well. We lead by example. This is especially powerful, in my opinion, when it comes to being a mother. There is no better way to show your daughters their self-worth than to celebrate and value your own. Equally, you are demonstrating to your children (no matter the gender) how women should be valued and treated when you prioritize yourself and make your needs as important as theirs.
Putting yourself first truly allows you to show up and shine for the other people in your life! Wherever you go, your inner strength and peace go with you. You are more likely to smile, laugh, listen, be present, show compassion, and devote your extra time and energy to loving others. It spills out and touches the lives of those around you. It is contagious…
Last, but certainly not least…self-esteem. A lack of sufficient self-esteem can often be the culprit when we don’t make ourselves a priority. When it comes right down to it, we may not believe we are worthy of the time and attention it takes. And that can’t be further from the truth. Unfortunately, our self-esteem can be eroded by parental criticism, challenges we faced in school, peer dynamics, cultural messages seen on TV and social media (or anywhere, really), stressful events, financial troubles, and abusive relationships. We then perpetuate these misperceptions about ourselves with negative self-talk and actions that don’t support our own growth and wellness. Ouch.
The great news is that you can take steps to reverse this and increase your self-esteem. It’s the opposite of a vicious cycle, it’s a virtuous cycle. Once you start the process of realizing your worth and making yourself a priority, it perpetuates itself! Just taking the time to do one thing for yourself sends your cells the message that you are worth it. But don’t take it from me, take it from Marisa Peer in her video on How to Use Your Mind to Boost Your Self-Esteem and Manifest Your Goals. It is absolutely worth the watch…You can also investigate these Self-Esteem Apps for a daily reminder to prioritize yourself. Lastly, one of my favorite activities when I need an infusion of self-love is an at-home spa day. Check out this article for inspiration on how to do it right.
“Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?”
At Boudoir Studios New York, we are inspired by your personal stories of self-love, celebrations of beauty, and journeys to recognize your inherent worth. We are always so honored when we can contribute and be a part of your journey. Our past clients can attest to how this process has catapulted them forward within the virtuous cycle (as can I). Boudoir photography can be a fun, exhilarating, courageous, healing, inspiring, transformative, and truly powerful way to recognize and appreciate your brilliant and unique self. It can be a bold investment toward putting yourself first. Once again, only you can determine what’s worth your time, money, and energy. However, you’ll never know if you don’t shoot your shot…