Transitioning to Parenthood

Transitioning to Parenthood

By: Jill

In case you missed it a few weeks ago, the ladies here at The Boudoir Studio talked about how they imagined motherhood would be versus how it really is. If you want to catch up on our stories click here! It’s amazing the different views we all had and what major changes really took place.

What wasn’t covered, is how much your relationship can change with your spouse.  And while we all don’t want to end up like our parents (maybe) our own attachment styles that happened when we were young could actually be carried over to our children. 

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The transition to parenthood is the largest non-reversing life change an adult can undergo.

This important decision comes with not knowing how a mother or a father will react when they are in the trenches of taking care of their children. Social norms and roles have changed over time with women striving to be equal to men in all areas of life. This shift of power, naturally, requires men to lean into domestic work of household chores and child rearing more than ever. Men are now expected to take much more of a “hands-on approach” then required in previous generations. According to recent studies, most women actually have a difficult time giving up responsibilities and power when it comes to caring for young children. Even though women want to have equal responsibilities, some jobs are naturally more suitable for women even if they do not realize it. With mothers taking control in parenting it is no secret that their attachments from their own childhood can largely affect their children’s attachment styles. Attachment is defined as a deep and enduring bond that connects one person to another across time and space. A famous social psychologist, John Bowbly, created the model attachment theory that attempts to describe the dynamics of long-term and short-term interpersonal relationships between people. The transition into parenthood is not an easy one; however, the lasting effects of attachment could prove to cause greater harm than previously realized. 

Over the last few decades, the patriarchal model of parenting has become a thing of a past. Women are now approaching equality in the workforce and a multifaceted post-modern society now dominates today’s standards. Even though women now return to work after childbirth, most of the infant responsibilities still rely on the mother. Breastfeeding has become the new standard in the United States and it makes sense that a woman is in charge of feedings, night time care, diaper changes and overall soothing of the infant. Even if a woman wants to have a father more involved in early infant care, it can be somewhat impossible. According to a study on socially constructed roles, “mothers were aware that they were the primary responsible for and caregivers of their children, but they did not seem to be uncomfortable with it. The mothers’ assumption of the role of caregivers also drew attention to their self-determination to preserve their husbands’ well-being who had already returned to the labour market”*. Fathers take on a secondary role as more of a helper, sympathizer, supporter and run errands for the family. As the child grows older to the 4-6 month range mothers started to trust their husbands more to provide care. Roles become redefined as the child grows older allowing both parents to eventually have equal participation in the child’s life.

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Women are, without a doubt, working to take on the full responsibility of early child care. . .

along with maintaining the household. The ramifications from all this responsibility eventually take their toll and leave women and their interpersonal relationships depleted. The woman’s attachment style with her young child can be affected and exemplified by the draining work a mother must perform. Avoidant attachment can be described as unrelatable, distant, fearful, and cold. Anxious/ambivalent attachment style can be described as overly dependent and continually seeking more affection. These two attachment styles carry over into adulthood and affect how parents raise their children. Most children do develop a secure attachment which is characterized as feeling protected by their parent and knowing that they can depend on them.  A study done on adult attachment hypothesized the “association between high sole responsibility of childcare and low relationship satisfaction would be particularly strong among mothers with high levels of avoidant attachment [... and] anxiously attached mother may be prone to over-involve in caregiving as part of effortful attempts to convince oneself and others that they can be effective caregivers”**. The results of this study concluded that the more help with childcare and housework created a less dramatic drop in relationship satisfaction. Co-parenting effectively is essential to create healthy attachments with children while maintaining interpersonal relationships. 

The early relationship that is established between parent and child is often a precursor to the child’s future relationships, confidence and security. When a parent forms an avoidant or anxious attachment with the child life long consequences can result. A 2017 study on attachment styles “indicates that there was a significant relationship between parenting style and depression”***. The way that parents bond and raise their children can have a major impact on their mental health. With all the parenting advice, books and knowledge available to parents, it’s important for mothers and fathers to ask for help when they need it. Self care often gets pushed to the side when the newest little member arrives; however, there can be some lasting effects if the family unit isn’t taken care of equally.

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Citations:

*Araujo Martins, C., Pinto de Abreu, W. J. C. & Barbieri de Figueiredo, M. do C. A. (2014). 

***Ebrahimi, L., Amiri, M., Mohamadlou, M., & Rezapur, R. (2017).

**Trillingsgaard, T., Sommer, D., Lasgaard, M., & Elklit, A., (2014).